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The schedule for the prestigious venue in Washington shows a playful dual-language production and an ad-libbed Shakespeare troupe. Notably missing from the public schedule is this week's Geopolitics World Cup draw, likely because it is a strictly closed-door affair. Organizers seem intent on prevent any unwanted guests from gaining entry at what promises to be an excessively long, self-congratulatory procession where well-paid celebrities will doubtlessly repeat the tired platitude that "soccer brings together the world."

An A-List Line-Up

The lavish ceremony is scheduled to be emceed by German model-turned-TV presenter Heidi Klum together with diminutive American comedian and actor Kevin Hart. Joining the celebrity roster will be gridiron star Eli Manning on red-carpet details and actor Danny Ramirez as a roaming correspondent. Collectively, they will host a production that will certainly have English football fans nostalgic for missing the simpler, unpretentious days of former managers, FA officials, the old draw system and a reliable velvet bag of simple, lottery balls.

Scheduled to last the thick end of three long hours, the event will include a staggering playlist of speechifying, overly sentimental highlight reels, pre-vetted gags, celebrity guests, musical turns from artists with either no embarrassment or enormous tax bills, and then... at last, the actual World Cup draw.

Athletic Greats on Draw Detail

Included in those tasked with carrying out the ceremony? Basketball legend Shaquille O'Neal, hockey icon Wayne Gretzky, NFL star Tom Brady and MLB slugger Aaron Judge, all selecting balls under the supervision of ex-footballer Rio Ferdinand. Given the considerable, untapped reservoir of personality exhibited by these ageing sporting legends, barring an armed security team storming the event, it's hard to imagine what could potentially go wrong.

In reality, very little, if the insensitive defence of FIFA's widely reported World Cup exorbitant ticket pricing offered by an overly deferential English yes-man is any sort of indicator. Upon being questioned if tickets should be more affordable for non-millionaires, the response was non-committal. "In my view we have to be aware of that and I think FIFA are certainly people that are aware of that," was the comment. "But listen, I think we can look at every sector, every sector, we could have that discussion about things," he added. The suggestion seemed to be that high prices are acceptable when contrasted with other high-end goods.

The Actual Draw

With over forty teams already secured a place for next summer's tournament and six more set to qualify, there will be a real feeling of giddiness once the opening acts conclude and the main draw gets under way. While fans worldwide wait with great anticipation to see which three nations their particular country will play in the group stages, the anticipation pales in comparison to that which precedes the announcement of the recipient of FIFA's first-ever peace prize for "individuals who help unite people in peace through steadfast commitment and special actions." Given that the draw is in the US capital and the World Cup is mostly in the US, speculation about the recipient are ripe, even if the clues are apparent.

"I have no worries at the moment. I was speaking to the chairman today. My connection with him is very strong really. I have a truly transparent and frank relationship. So regarding my position in that sense I have absolutely no concerns whatsoever" – comments from a coach with a team on a five-match winless run, providing a textbook quote-that-will-definitely-get-resurfaced should changes occur in the future.

Readers' Letters

• "Regarding the discussion of a possible club named Kevin... there is an talented Brazilian winger named Kevin at a Premier League club who cost north of £30m. Perhaps Kevin could be asked to buy a Highland League club and rename it after himself."
• "Going to football games in the 80s/90s, when the answer was 'Keith', a common jest was: 'What, on his own?'"
• "I stopped reading after nine words. 'Comprised of'! Of what were you thinking? To comprise means to consist of. So to comprise of means to consist of of. The extra 'of' is as unnecessary as an extra official."
• "There is apprehension ahead of FIFA's World Cup draw: just what memorable tune will a famous group come up with if a certain individual remains on the stage, requiring an encore?"